The One Where I Need Diverse Books #sol15

Every Tuesday, I participate in the Slice of Life challenge at Two Writing Teachers. Every March, the Slice of Life Challenge is a month-long experience where Slicers post every single day for the entire month. I'm joining in on the monthly challenge this year! For more information on what a Slice of Life post is about, you can go here.

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In April of 2014, after a discussion between Ellen Oh and Malinda Lo on Twitter, people started to take action and the call for #weneeddiversebooks started. To learn more about their mission and the We Need Diverse Books campaign, you can visit the official website. Of course, I completely, 100%, wholeheartedly, hands-down agree with and support this campaign. But I didn't realize how much I needed it for myself until I was at Nerdcamp last July. 

If you aren't familiar with Nerdcamp or Edcamp, they're educational UNconferences. What that means is, unlike typical conferences, they are free and presenters are not chosen ahead of time. Instead, that day, participants show up and are invited to propose topics they want to talk about and then choose where they want to spend their time learning and sharing. 

Cindy Minnich and Sarah Anderson offered to host a session on "Finding Diverse Lit for Diverse YA Readers" in support of the We Need Diverse Books campaign. Having seen the hashtag, when this topic came up, I had to attend. 

But why I had to attend might surprise you.

It definitely surprised me.

I felt an overwhelmingly strong, physical reaction thinking about what books they might talk about. I was sick-to-my-stomach scared that they might only share books with black or Hispanic characters. I knew I had to be there to add my voice to the discussion to make sure someone like me was represented - someone whose background is white and Hispanic. (You've met my parents, right?) And, having worked with students who are deaf and hard of hearing, I was curious what other types of diverse books would come up, too.

So, I went. 

I shouldn't have been surprised. 

My amazing Nerdy friends had books upon books to share.

You can find all the lists they generated here.

LGBTQ

Biracial

Religions

Family Structure

Disability (physical, mental, etc.)

Beyond Sports

Race (But Not Race)

Social Issues

It makes me cry remembering how overwhelming proud I felt to be in a room with dedicated educators who totally, completely get it. They understand diversity and how important it is to share books that might speak to a reader or expand a reader's perspective of the world.

I marched into the room on a mission to stand up for readers like me who aren't all white but aren't all Hispanic but I'm not sure I even said anything once the conversation started. I sat there speechless and soaked it all in. Part of me was dealing with the surge of emotions that overcame me when I thought I would need to defend and expand how we define diverse books but another part of me was awash in utter awe of my friends.

The one really huge ginormous thing I learned that day:

I need diverse books.

I'm white.

Most of me relates to being white. I fit easily into American culture, I speak English without an accent, my maiden name was Jones and my married name is Vincent, I went to school with mostly white people.

And

I'm Hispanic. 

A big part of my family is from Guatemala, I speak Spanish, I have one kiddo who looks Hispanic (and one who doesn't...), many students and staff in my school district are Hispanic and I find myself advocating for them - a lot.

I need diverse books.

The We Need Diverse campaign helped me realize I have a story of diversity to tell. I've never thought of my story as significant but my reaction at Nerdcamp helped me see it is. Being part white and part Hispanic impacts me. I'll share more of my story as the month continues but for now, this is why 

I support We Need Diverse Books.

To read my previous Slice of Life posts, click on any link below:

Slice #1 - The One With a Hesitant Start

Slice #2 - The One With An Introduction

Slice #3 - The One With a Disclaimer

Slice #4 - The One With My Parents

Slice #5 - The One Where My Mom Is Not Like The Rest

Slice #6 - The One Where I Take a Breath

Slice #8 - The One With My Daddy and His Advice

The Danger of a White Story

I was born in 1980 in Lake Forest, Illinois to wonderful parents. My dad is Irish and Welsh and my mom is Guatemalan. Growing up, I spent time with both sides of my family, spoke in English and Spanish, painted with my Gramma and played cards with my Mamita. I loved both sides of my family and they loved me.

But the town I grew up in didn’t reflect me or my family as a whole.

I grew up in a town where the population was 98.6% white. People around me lived in mansions, drove shiny, new cars, and wore expensive clothes but I didn’t. Books were the one place where I felt like enough. I could walk into the library and check out as many books as I wanted and they were the same books the other kids were reading. The library leveled the playing field for me. At the same time, It was years and years before the We Need Diverse Books campaign so I read books by Judy Blume, Beverly Cleary, and Roald Dahl. I didn’t see my Latinx heritage represented in books I read.

I talked about my story and how books saved me on the Wild Cozy Truth podcast with Renee Powers this week. I'm so thankful for all the books I had access to growing up. But even though connecting with books helped me to become who I am today, they still contributed to a fractured identity for me.

This is the danger of a white story.

I hope by now everyone has seen Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's Ted Talk The Danger of a Single Story. If you haven't, please go watch it. I've blogged about it before and how we have to be conscious of how harmful it can be to assume things. Chimamanda points out that it’s too easy to assume things about a large group of people from just one experience or story with one person.

I grew up with a white story all around me. In the community I lived in, in the books I read, in the media I consumed. It’s not shock that I ended up not identifying with my Latina side. It wasn’t until We Need Diverse Books that I started to unravel years and years of being ashamed of being Latina. I spent a month blogging about this very topic. It was a really hard month as I faced things I wasn’t proud of and forced myself to be introspective.

There’s a danger in a white story.

I’m not alone. I’ve heard of students who deny their Latinx identity and attempt to disassociate with their ethnicity. I’ve had a student tell me she wished she had a white girl’s name like mine. I’ve seen my own son raise his hands in excitement that his skin is lighter than his brother’s when we talked about the injustices people might face because of their skin color.

This danger of a white story is why we need to continue to work for diversity in books and other media. We have come along way since the 80’s when I grew up but we still have work to do.

Chad Everett wrote a piece called There Is No Diverse Book where he talks about how we have to examine our use of the word "diverse". He points out that no one book can be diverse. The very definition of diversity implies that there have to be a variety in a range of different things. One book might have a diverse cast of characters. A group of books might represent people from different ethnicities. But the word diverse does not mean non-white.

Chad shares how readers can move along a continuum in terms of what they read. He cites Dr. Rudine Sims-Bishops’ work on the importance of access to books that are Mirrors, Windows, and Sliding glass doors (I mention her work in the podcast but failed to cite her and I apologize for this.). He also points out that while a reader can move along the continuum, it’s important to read widely on those points on the continuum. Reading one book with characters of a certain race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, ability, etc., is not enough. That’s the danger of a single story.

Chad also explains, "The word diverse as it is currently used centers heteronormative whiteness as the default." There are a lot of reasons for why whiteness is the default that I don’t have to outline here. It’s imperative that we - as readers, educators, parents, humans - reflect on what we consider the default as we grow the representation of diversity in books and in the books we share with others.

It’s the danger of a white story.

I know all too well what it feels like to live in a white story, to exist thinking that white is the norm. I still struggle with not feeling like enough. I wonder why I’m not included. I question whether my voice matters. And not only that, I find myself dealing with these thoughts in different spaces. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere.

We have to stop defaulting to white as the norm. Each reader deserves to see themselves in the books they read and they deserve the opportunity to read widely beyond themselves.

In this video interview with Dr. Rudine Sims-Bishop, specifically when she talks about cultural authenticity, she shares ideas for how to look critically at texts we read and share. I urge you to take some time to think about the books you are reading and other media you are consuming and look for diversity in the range of texts you read.

Be aware of the danger of a white story. 

The One With Filling in Stupid Bubbles #sol15

Every Tuesday, I participate in the Slice of Life challenge at Two Writing Teachers. Every March, the Slice of Life Challenge is a month-long experience where Slicers post every single day for the entire month. I'm joining in on the monthly challenge this year! For more information on what a Slice of Life post is about, you can go here.

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Yesterday I talked about a We Need Diverse Books discussion at Nerdcamp last summer. It may sound strange, but my whole revelation about needing diverse books for myself truly has only occurred to me recently. Obviously, I know I come from two different backgrounds and I'm thankful for the experiences and traditions each of my cultures has given me but it's always been my normal. It's only been in the last year that I've thought about how my story factors in as a diversity story. Maybe this in itself makes the case for diverse books - to help individuals see that there are others who have experience a unique view upon the world?

How I felt when I marched down to the room at Nerdcamp last summer reminded me of the distress I felt over having to choose my ethnicity when I was in junior high and high school taking standardized tests or filling out college applications. 

It's hard to describe how frustrating it is to know that I'm white AND I'm also Hispanic but to so often see the option "White (non-Hispanic)" when it comes to ethnicity. In terms of college, it helped me to be Hispanic so I usually checked the Hispanic box. I am Hispanic. But I'm also white. Ugh. It's so annoying. I know there are reasons why they want(ed) people to choose but I'm not sure I entirely understand why there couldn't be more than only one choice. 

It seems more common now to see the option to choose multiple ethnicities. I'm glad for this. Even if there might be a valid point (maybe?) for asking a person to choose only one, it seems like then there would need to be a common way to decide how to pick which one and I'm not sure that is communicated well if there is a standard definition. I remember people telling me to go with my dad - which would make me white - but seeing the words non-Hispanic next to that always irked me. And again, in the case of college or scholarships, it most often seemed to benefit me if I chose Hispanic. 

I loathed having to choose. 

It was like 

denying 

negating 

rejecting

an entire piece of my identity.

You know what the worst part of having to choose only one ethnicity was? 

It felt like I didn't count.

I didn't fit nicely into a little bubble on an answer sheet but it didn't matter,

I had to make myself fit.

It seemed like it 

wasn't okay or 

wasn't acceptable or 

wasn't recognized 

that a person could be of two different ethnicities.

Ugh, again. It frustrates me.

There does seem to be more acknowledgement of people from different ethnicities now. Here is a link to the 2010 Census Overview of Race and Hispanic Origin. In the Overview it states that: 

"The U.S. Census Bureau collects race and Hispanic origin information following the guidance of the U.S. Office of Management and Budget’s (OMB) 1997 Revisions to the Standards for the Classification of Federal Data on Race and Ethnicity. 2 These federal standards mandate that race and Hispanic origin (ethnicity) are separate and distinct concepts and that when collecting these data via self-identification, two different questions must be used."

This is a big step. If we're going to collect data, let's make those data as accurate as possible. Let's be understanding of the reality that many people aren't of only one race or ethnic origin any more.

The We Need Diverse Books campaign and discussion at Nerdcamp last year brought up memories of having to choose one ethnicity and not feeling valued as someone who is white and Hispanic. Tomorrow I'll tell you about a conversation when I tried to help someone understand this feeling and how I had to wrap my brain around what it might be like to not have to feel this inner struggle.

To read my previous Slice of Life posts, click on any link below:

Slice #1 - The One With a Hesitant Start

Slice #2 - The One With An Introduction

Slice #3 - The One With a Disclaimer

Slice #4 - The One With My Parents

Slice #5 - The One Where My Mom Is Not Like The Rest

Slice #6 - The One Where I Take a Breath

Slice #8 - The One With My Daddy and His Advice

Slice #9 - The One Where I Need Diverse Books

Week #5 - Teachers Write Sunday Check-In 2016

What's up, writers!? How was week five? I got in lots of writing in some fun writing places so that was cool! But I'm in revision mode which is fun in a challenging way but also challenging in a tiring way. I'll talk more about my week in the recap!

This week, I'm thinking about writing what begs to be written. Here's my video and then I'll share a mentor text that inspires me in terms of writing what begs to be written.

Two years ago, I went to a powerful session at nErDcamp Michigan led by Cindy Minnich and Sarah Anderson  that was all about sharing diverse books. We all need diverse books...but sitting in that session helped me see how much I need diverse books. To better understand my own story, I spent all last March doing the Slice of Life challenge with Two Writing Teachers and I realized just how much I have to share my stories. 

The books in Jenny Han's series To All The Boys I've Loved Before are totally mentor texts for me. Just look at those gorgeous book covers with a clearly Asian main character! I have so much LOVE for these Jenny Han and these stories. These are the kind of books I hope to write (and eventually publish!). In looking closely at my own life experiences and thinking about what books are begging me to be written, I know my heart is in writing books with diverse characters. 

You can read my review of To All The Boys I've Loved Before here.

Some quotes that inspire me 

from Jenny Han's To All The Boys I've Loved Before:

“Life doesn't have to be so planned. Just roll with it and let it happen.”

“When someone's been gone a long time, 

at first you save up all the things you want to tell them. 

You try to keep track of everything in your head. 

But it's like trying to hold on to a fistful of sand: 

all the little bits slip out of your hands, 

and then you're just clutching air and grit. 

That's why you can't save it all up like that."

Because by the time you finally see each other, 

you're catching up only on the big things, 

because it's too much bother to tell about the little things. 

But the little things are what make up life.” 

“How was I supposed to know what’s real and what’s not? 

It feels like I’m the only one who doesn’t know the difference.”

And the third book in the series, 

Always and Forever, Lara Jean, is due out in 2017!

My Teachers Write Recap:

I spent a lot of time with my words this week...although the majority of my time was spent thinking through revisions and working on my query. I actually wrote the query for this ms before I drafted but now I'm reworking it after knowing what I know from writing the book. It can be complicated, this writing thing, huh?

Anyway, I think my query is in much better shape and now my goal this week is to really zone in on revisions so I can polish this baby up and submit to a contest organized by the amazing Brenda Drake called Pitch Wars. I participated in 2014 and was mentored by Trisha Leaver and Lindsay Currie. It was an absolutely amazing experience. Submissions open this week so if you have a polished up manuscript, I would definitely recommend joining in! And let me know if you have any questions or if I can help in any way!

A reminder of my rules for Teachers Write Sunday Check-Ins:

1. We respect each other and the type of writing we do.

2. We only offer constructive criticism.

3. We are positive and encourage each other at all times.

4. We recognize and maintain this as a safe environment.

Today, in the comments:

How did you do this week? Did you meet your weekly goal(s)?
Has anything begged you to be written this summer?

What was the pit of your week? (The hardest part, the not-so-fun part?)
What was the peak of your week? (The best part, the most-totally-fun part?)
What are you looking forward to and planning for the week ahead?

P. S. Thank you for replying to each other's comments! 

While I read them all and do my best to reply and 

reply as soon as possible it doesn't always happen.

I so appreciate you cheering each other on through Teachers Write! You r-o-c-k!

Psst! Yes, you! One more thing...

Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter here!

The One Where I Have To Share My Stories #sol15

Every Tuesday, I participate in the Slice of Life challenge at Two Writing Teachers. Every March, the Slice of Life Challenge is a month-long experience where Slicers post every single day for the entire month. I'm joining in on the monthly challenge this year! For more information on what a Slice of Life post is about, you can go here.

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Humans spend a lot of time carving out their uniqueness in this world but at the same time trying desperately to fit in. It's a fascinating conundrum, survival of the fittest. We compete to be better or different yet depend on connecting with a group or community to truly thrive.

It's time to let go of the standards we set for ourselves or that we let society impose upon us. Instead, we need to share our stories, celebrate our experiences, connect with others because of and despite our differences, see the similarities we carry in our hearts, and grow together. 

Let's focus on survival of all.

I'm glad for the We Need Diverse Books campaign, for the writers who participated in this year's Slice of Life challenge, for the team at Two Writing Teachers who hosted and encouraged us along the way, but especially for everyone who shares their stories however they can. By continuing to experience life through multiple lenses we are able to see different perspectives and avoid the danger of a single story. 

But first, we have to tell those stories.

“Don't forget 

- no one else sees the world the way you do, 

so no one else can tell the stories that you have to tell.” 

― Charles de Lint, The Blue Girl

It wasn't until recently that I realized I have a special story to tell. It's been easy to overlook the fact that my normal isn't everyone else's normal. 

My stories are my own. 

They might be similar or wildly different from those of other people but no matter what, I know now more than ever, 

I have to share my stories.

Thank you for reading my posts this month and for your feedback, encouragement, and support! My stories need readers and I'm glad you are one of them.

To read my previous Slice of Life posts, click on any link below:

Slice #1 - The One With a Hesitant Start

Slice #2 - The One With An Introduction

Slice #3 - The One With a Disclaimer

Slice #4 - The One With My Parents

Slice #5 - The One Where My Mom Is Not Like The Rest

Slice #6 - The One Where I Take a Breath

Slice #8 - The One With My Daddy and His Advice

Slice #9 - The One Where I Need Diverse Books

Slice #10 - The One With Filling In Stupid Bubbles

Slice #11 - The One Where Some People Don't Have To Choose

Slice #12 - The One With Fluffy Fictional Characters

Slice #13 - The One With a Bigger Story

Slice #14 - The One Where We All Have Layers

Slice #15 - The One Where I Grew Up

Slice #16 - The One With The Information Desk

Slice #17 - The One Where I Followed My Heart

Slice #20 - The One When I Just Didn't Know

Slice #22 - The One Where Nena Can Do It

Slice #24 - The One With Vick's VapoRub

Slice #25 - The One With All The Hugs

Slice #26 - The One Where We All Deserve To Be Seen

Slice #27 - The One With a White Girl's Name

Slice #29 - The One With Quien Soy Yo

Slice #30 - The One With Many-Faceted Stories

POC Fall In Love Too

     I consider myself lucky that my office is in the library at the middle school where I work. When students come in to look for books, I often find myself talking to them about books, suggesting books, or helping them find books. If you know me at all, you know how much fun this is for me!

     This week a student came in looking for a book. I asked her if I could help her find anything specific and she said no, she was just looking at books to see if she found something she liked. 

     "What was the last book you read that you liked?" I asked her. 

     "Everything Everything," she explained. "And then I saw the movie this weekend." She liked the movie and thought they did a good job even though some parts were different from the book. 

     I asked, "What did you like about Everything Everything?"

     She paused. And then she admitted, "The romance."

via GIPHY

     I squeed. That's the only and best word to describe my reaction. 

     It's not often that a student comes in looking for romance and it happens to be my favorite genre. I've read all the books in The Princess Diaries series, all the books in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series, tons of Sarah Dessen, Stephanie Perkins, Elizabeth Eulberg, John Green, Jordan Sonnenblick, and David Levithan. 

     Aisle to aisle, I scanned the shelves, thinking of some of my favorites, spotting others that stood out to me, handing them to the student until she had a stack to look through. 

     Not one of them featured a person of color as a protagonist.

     There is a Latinx character in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants...but it hit me right in the gut that I didn't have a book to give her that was about a person of color falling in love. Maybe if I had taken a little more time to search, I would have come up with one but none stood out to me as I went through the stacks.

    In the last year or so I've read Yaqui Delgado Wants To Kick Your Ass, Gabi, A Girl In Pieces, Piecing Me Together, The Hate U Give, and Always and Forever, Lara Jean, the third book in Jenny Han's To All The Boys I've Loved Before series and Always and Forever, Lara Jean is the only one that truly stands out to me as a contemporary young adult romance....though there are elements of romance in others. 

     Obviously, I'm aware of the We Need Diverse Books campaign and the need for people of color to be represented more in children's and young adult literature. I get it. But when I had a student standing in front of me wanting to read one of my favorite genres and I couldn't come up with more than one or two books with a protagonist who was a person of color, I wanted to cry.

     People of color fall in love just like white people fall in love.

     We fall in love too.

     We need more romance books with people of color as the protagonists.

     Now I'm on a mission to find contemporary young adult romance books with protagonists who are people of color for this student and for myself. I'm going to buy books if I have to but I'm determined to give her books that feature protagonists who are people of color.

Rich In Color has a list of YA Reads with POC-Centric Romances and I compiled a list here from my research of recently published or soon to be published. I haven't read any of these yet so if you have any thoughts to share on these or others I should add, please share in the comments. 

Everything Everything by Nicola Yoon

Let's Talk About Love by Claire Kann

A Girl Like That by Tanaz Bhathena

In Search of Us by Ava Dellaira

The Beauty That Remains by Ashley Woodfolk

The Way You Make Me Feel by Maurene Goo

When Dimple Met Rishi by Sandhya Menon

Meet Cute: Some People Are Destined to Meet with stories by Jennifer L. Armentrout, 

Sona Charaipotra, Dhonielle Clayton, Katie Cotugno, Jocelyn Davies, 

Nina LaCour, Emery Lord, Katharine McGee , Kass Morgan, Meredith Russo, 

Sara Shepard, Nicola Yoon, Ibi Zoboi, Julie Murphy

Love, Hate and Other Filters by Samira Ahmed

King Geordi the Great by Gene Gant

The Education of Margot Sanchez by Lilliam Rivera

I Am Thunder by Muhammad Khan

American Panda by Gloria Chao

Down and Across by Arvin Ahmadi

That Thing We Call A Heart by Sheba Karim

Again, I haven't read any of these books so please let me know if there is one here I should bump to the top of my stack to read or others I should add!

*Update*

Suggested titles from Twitter:

You Bring The Distance Near by Mitali Perkins

I Believe In A Thing Called Love by Maurene Goo

Solo by Kwame Alexander

The Sun Is Also A Star by Nicola Yoon
Fire In The Streets by Kekla Magoon

Using My Voice: Standing Up and Speaking Out Even When It's Hard

Since April 2014, when the We Need Diverse Books campaign became a thing, I’ve paid attention more and more to representations of diversity of all kinds in books and other media. It might sound strange, but I didn’t realize how much I was missing diversity in what I was reading and watching on tv and in movies until then. All of a sudden, I saw everything in color instead of grayscale.

It wasn’t until I went to a session on "Finding Diverse Lit for Diverse YA Readers" in support of the We Need Diverse Books campaign led by Cindy Minnich and Sarah Anderson at Nerdcamp in July of 2014 that I realized how much I needed WNDB myself. I wrote about the experience here, how I felt physically ill because I wasn’t sure how the conversation was going to go and how overwhelmed I was to be in a room of people who understood.

To be honest, the We Need Diverse Books campaign helped me look more closely at my own identity. I spent March of 2015 blogging everyday and realizing how important it is for me to tell my story. If you’re interested in reading about my exploration of my identity, this post links to all my posts from that month.  

Since then, I’ve used my voice more and more to speak out about the importance of diversity in books and other media and about the importance of having discussions about race and culture. I’m still getting used to this voice of mine, still learning to trusting it and strengthening my message.

I put it to the test recently when I spoke out against something very important to me. I wish I could be more specific but at this point, I’m choosing not to call attention to the issue and instead, share what it felt like to use my voice.

I went through a range of emotions and as I processed the whole situation, I found that Tracy Chapman’s self-titled album (that I loved back in the 90's) helped me understand what I was feeling. In listening to Tracy’s lyrics, I didn’t feel so alone and I found strength to persevere.

Speaking out and asking people to look more closely at themselves and to reflect on their cultural competence was hard. It meant taking a risk. Being vulnerable. Facing the unknown. But I did it anyway. Here’s a glimpse of what I felt.

Talkin' Bout a Revolution

Don't you know

They're talkin' 'bout a revolution

It sounds like a whisper

Poor people gonna rise up

And get their share

Poor people gonna rise up

And take what's theirs

When I found out about the situation that was happening, I was shocked. I couldn’t believe it. But then I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I realized I needed to speak out. It was time for me to say something. The strength to speak out started to grow.

Fast Car

You got a fast car

Is it fast enough so we can fly away

We gotta make a decision

Leave tonight or live and die this way

I had options. I could let it go and not express my opinion. That would be easiest. Running away was an option too. I could just move. That would be hard to do but it sounded great, just leave everything behind and forget the people who couldn’t see my point. But at the same time, I knew it was time to use my voice. Because if I didn't at least try, of course nothing would change.

Across the Lines

Across the lines

Who would dare to go

Under the bridge

Over the tracks

That separates whites from blacks

Choose sides

Run for your life

Tonight the riots begin

On the back streets of America

They kill the dream of America

I made a choice. I decided to stand up. I wasn’t sure if anyone else was speaking up, sharing their voice, their perspective but I was going to and I was ready. I felt too strongly to not say anything, ignoring it wasn't an option, and running away from the problem wasn't going to work either.

This is where it became real though. I wasn’t sure what the consequences of standing up and speaking out would be. I could imagine, and I did imagine, all sorts of scenarios. It was scary. But I was determined to do it anyway.

Behind the Wall

Last night I heard the screaming

Loud voices behind the wall

Another sleepless night for me

It won't do no good to call

The police always come late

If they come at all

The reality: No one heard me. No one understood my point. No one saw my perspective. Or if they did, no one came to my side. No one stood by me. I was in it alone.

Baby Can I Hold You

But you can say baby

Baby can I hold you tonight

Maybe if I told you the right words

At the right time you'd be mine

It was hard to keep going when I felt alone and invisible. I hoped for someone to see me so I would feel real again. Anyone. And then there was someone who saw me. Another person was also appalled by the situation. Just when it felt like I didn’t exist, one person saw me. And if one person could see me, it was enough to keep going.

Mountains o' Things

Oh they tell me

There's still time to save my soul

They tell me

Renounce all

Renounce all those material things you gained by

Exploiting other human beings

I thought of all the things I would give up. All the things I thought were important. I wouldn’t worry about anything else if they could just see how seriously problematic this one thing was.

Nothing else mattered.

She's Got Her Ticket

She's got her ticket

I think she gonna use it

I think she going to fly away

No one should try and stop her

Persuade her with their power

She says that her mind is made up

Why not leave why not

Go away

Too much hatred

Corruption and greed

Give your life

And invariably they leave you with

Nothing

I was willing to give up so much but still, no one was listening, I wasn’t getting anywhere. I was done. Spent. Exhausted. Emotionally hollow. I needed a break. I shut down, closed myself off, slept.

Why?

Love is hate

War is peace

No is yes

And we're all free

When I woke up, I was mad. None of it made sense. How could people pretend to care about some things when they didn’t about this? Everyone was a hypocrite. Every smile fake. Every promise empty. I lost trust in a lot of people.

For My Lover

And everybody thinks

That I'm the fool

But they don't get

Any love from you

The things we won't do for love

I'd climb a mountain if I had to

And risk my life so I could have you

You, you, you...

I wish I didn't, but I still cared. Was I overreacting? Making a mountain out of a molehill? No one understood. I was weary and not sure who to trust but I was determined to keep going, knowing that I needed to advocate for what I felt was right.

If Not Now...

If not now then when

If now today then

Why make your promises

A love declared for days to come

Is as good as none

Somehow, I felt hope. I had been through so many emotions and even after it all, I believed change had to happen. I tried again. My resolve was deeper than ever and I was steadfast. I could stay the course.

For You

There're no words to say

No words to convey

This feeling inside I have for you

Deep in my heart

Save from the guards

Of intellect and reason

Leaving me at a loss

For words to express my feelings

Deep in my heart

Look at me losing control

Thinking I had a hold

But with feelings this strong

I'm no longer the master

Of my emotions

Just when I thought I had felt every emotion possible...I got to the point where someone else saw me. My heart was buoyed up by their belief. After all this time, someone saw me and my perspective. My emotions were all over the place. It was a sense of gratitude and knowing that it was worth it because I was able to encourage one person to think more carefully about how serious the situation was.

But at the same time I put so much energy into making a difference and I didn’t feel like I had gotten very far. In some ways, I felt like a ghost. As much as I tried to get people to see me and pleaded for them to listen, so many didn’t. Now I’m at the point where I have to decide if I keep trying. Do I keep looking for others who can see me? Or since my voice has been stifled and silenced time and time again, do I give up? Is it worth it to go on?

*****

Standing up and speaking out was not easy. It was scary and isolating.

It’s emotionally draining to want to impact change so badly and not be able to make it happen. I’ve realized that I have to expand my timeline, reassess the steps it's going to take, and figure out how to reinvigorate my belief that change can happen. Even though I want to move mountains, I have to accept that sometimes a teeny shift in the right direction is all I’m going to get.

If this had happened back in 2014 before I had started to unpack my own identity and to look critically at how people are represented in books and the media around me, I’m not sure I would have felt the need to speak up. I hope I would have taken issue with the situation but I can’t say for certain that I would have seen how important it was to bring attention to it as I did.

I’m thankful for experiences that have helped me look more critically at books and media and for people who have helped me find my voice. I hope that by sharing my story others will look more closely at their lives and find their voice to speak out and stand up when they have the chance. I can’t promise it will be easy but I do know it will be worth it.